What Not to Wear: Golden Globes Edition

Okay, usually I try to make my blog posts substantive. However, since my latest posts have been pretty deep, I feel entitled to write a post dedicated to disturbing new fashion trends, as evidenced by the celebrity apparel choices for the the recent Golden Globe Awards.  As they say, a cheap version of what’s on the red carpet now will find its way into your closet six months later.  If that’s true, we have every reason to be very, very afraid.

It appears that most of the female celebs who attended the GG’s this year received a visit from a malevolent 1980’s fairy who whisked her magic wand and sprinkled gowns with bulky shoulder pads, nauseating color combinations, and hideously oversized accessories.  You could almost hear Eurhythmics playing in the background.  Some have welcomed the “retro” trend, but I honestly can’t remember a single thing to love about 80’s style, except that it ended.  Let’s hope that most of these fashion trends were anomalies and that we’ll see some color and shape correction by the time the Oscars roll around.  If not–well, we’ve got a long, visually agonizing road ahead of us.

Let’s start with Heidi Klum.

The producer of Project Runway has made some recent moves that have brought her fashion sanity into question.  Have you seen her “activewear” line for Amazon?  Seventy-eight bucks for a pair of “something-is-seriously-wrong-with-my-crotch” sweatpants (pictured at right)? A hundred and twenty five dollars for an “I-stayed-home-with-diarrhea” sweatshirt?  If that wasn’t enough to send her to fashion rehab, this outfit should seal the deal.

Heidi, Heidi, Heidi.  Every last detail is a miss.  From the weird, blocky, Pepto Bismol-inspired color combo; to the strangely shredded growth at your waist; to the monster bangles that threaten to swallow up your whole arm; there’s really nothing to like except your lovely face (nicely understated makeup!) and casually tousled hair.  The rest is just baffling.

Next is Angelina Jolie.

What worries me here is that Angie has such megawatt star power that she can turn whatever she wears into an instant trend, no matter how hideous (see massive “praying mantis” sunglasses as a reference; they started with her).  I saw reviewers describe this dress as “positively breathtaking,” which leads me to believe that they are confusing the always-gorgeous Angelina with her not-so-gorgeous dress.  From the nauseating teal/green color to the long sleeves to the (gulp) linebacker shoulder pads, it looks to me like  a case of Little Mermaid gone horribly wrong.

Helena Bonham-Carter.  No comment, except to say that maybe you’ve been married to Tim Burton a little too long.  Oh, and your shoes don’t match.  Next time, put on your sunglasses AFTER you get dressed, k?

Okay, Natalie, I know you’ve got a baby bump to disguise, and I applaud you for wearing a necklace when everyone else seems to be suddenly allergic to them, but the big fake orangey-red rose stuck on a nightgown perplexes me deeply.  Love the hair, though.

Jennifer Lawrence, I don’t know who you are, but this is not the way to become well-known.  Your gown looks like it was run over multiple times by a drunk tricyclist who had just cycled through wet paint, followed by a lawn mower.

Jennifer Love-Hewitt, I know we’re all committed to a greener planet, but that doesn’t mean that you need to recycle your wedding dress.  Save white bridal satin for trips down the AISLE, not the red CARPET.  The swoop on the front of the dress is ginormous; you could just about serve hors d’oeuvres out of that thing.  And the dress is so extremely wide; I’m sure you can’t be bigger than a size 2, but this makes you look like a size 12.

Julianne, I almost don’t know where to begin.

First of all, we redheads should never, ever wear exclusively hot pink.  I’m sorry, but it’s the curse of our kind, along with needing to slather on half a bottle of sunscreen before a trip to the beach.  Second, it looks like you started with an eighties bridesmaid dress and were attacked by an adoring fan who got away with the other puffed sleeve as a souvenir.  Third, we should never, ever, ever be able to tell that you’ve been sitting down for a long time.   The creases are painful to look at.  Fourth, a tapered dress is almost always a mistake; it adds an extra 15 pounds to the camera’s 10 pounds.

Catherine, you look incredibly regal—even royal—from the décolletage up.  But the gown looks like a twist on Scarlett O’Hara’s theme; like you hijacked the dirty green carpet instead of the curtains.  The front of the gown looks like you hitched up your skirts to cross a puddle and they got stuck that way.  Demand a refund from Ms. Lhuillier.

Again, I haven’t the slightest clue who Elisabeth Moss is, but I do know that this is just about the most oddly cut dress I’ve ever seen.  I can almost see the scene in the sewing room: “Crap!  I’ve run out of forest green charmeuse and there is still a large, rectangular hole on the front of the dress!  Guess I’ll just have to cut off these puffed sleeves and use one of them to fill it in!  Maybe I’ll even have some left over to put some attractive fish gill pleats on the chest!”

Finally, although this one is not the worst by far, it makes me the saddest, because Anne Hathaway is my all-time favorite movie star.  She has both brains and beauty and she’s almost always made brilliant style choices, so I don’t know what went wrong here.  She sort of looks like a long, shiny, golden alligator with (second gulp!) shoulder pads.

Natural hair and makeup once again take attention off the ugly dress and onto her lovely face, but compare this getup to the dress she wore to the 2009 Golden Globes (pictured at right).

I feel much better now, having added my voice to those who are trying to steer the fashion ship away from kitschy trends and back to the classically chic and elegant.  I hereby promise that my next post will be about Shakespeare.

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