Sometimes I think people get the impression that graduate students are somehow brighter, wittier, or have it more together than everyone else. When I tell people I’m getting my Masters degree, they often look slightly in awe, like I’m part of some special, elite club. Well, my blog today is dedicated to nuking that notion. When you read the following quotes–and yes, these are actual quotes from actual people who are making the same grades I am in grad school–all the mystique will be dispelled, and you will snork loudly the next time you see me. Because now you will know that my club is indeed..um… “special.”
“You could almost feel the drugs coming through the screen. It was a magical time because of that.” Ah, the magic of drugs–more delight and whimsy than a Disney cartoon.
“Some people think we should live more like animals.” Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?? Let’s go eat a squirrel and howl at the moon!
“Indians look just the same as anybody else. The only way you know they’re Indian is because they have long hair.” Oh–long hair. Must be an Indian.
Professor (regarding the poem “Man with the Dragon Tattoo”): “Why does it take place in the dark?” Responses: “Maybe the tattoos are scary.” “Maybe he’s been in prison.” “I think she’s afraid of getting pregnant.” Well, I think it’s about the Mickey Mouse Club, and the man with the dragon tattoo is Britney Spears!
“Again, I had to hoot.” Next time, could you hoot outside, please?
“The cheese could be a security code for the president of Canada.” Well, I don’t know that the president of Canada has a security code, but if he does, I’m sure it has something to do with…cheese.
(After reading a poem about Indian children who were abused at boarding school, sometimes by being hit in the face with sticks) “Why didn’t the parents do anything about it?” “Maybe they didn’t know the abuse was happening.” “Yeah, but the kids could just run home to their parents and say ‘Hey, look at my face!'” Excuse me, Mr. Evil Boarding School Master. Mind if I run home real quick and show my parents these welts? I won’t be long.
Professor: “What does it mean that they were chin deep in dirt?” “It probably means that they were pregnant.” Uh-oh, looks like I’m chin deep in dirt again. Honey, you know what that means.
(After reading a story about Indian boys who take an unidentified drug and then hallucinate about riding fast horses): “The drug must have been cocaine. You know, horses and cocaine?” Oh, is THAT why they have all those horse rehab center nowadays? Wow, I’d never made the connection.
“Yeah, I’m worried about my son, because he’s headed to the Midwest. There’s all those Muslims.” I think you meant Middle East…unless a bunch of Muslims have unexpectedly relocated to Iowa.
I think I should end by saying that every one of these quotes was said with the utmost seriousness. No one was joking. And no one was laughing, either, but I about gave myself a hernia a few times trying my darnedest NOT to laugh.