The Notebook: Making the Tedious Tolerable by Blogging My Snarky Comments

The other day, one of my composition students found out that I had never seen The Notebook, and she was appalled.  I had been deprived, she claimed, and she insisted on loaning it to me to watch.  She was so sweet and enthusiastic that I reluctantly agreed to watch it.  But knowing what I do of Nicolas Sparks (namely, that he is not a purveyor of what we in the English world like to call “good books”), I decided that if it was as thoroughly awful as I suspected, I would amuse myself by blogging my way through the film.  So here you go.

Whoa.  Opening shot is super orange and getting orangier.  Tang-a-licious.

Computer animated slo-mo geese are creeping me out.

What is romantic about a creepy stalker threatening suicide if you don’t go out with him, even though you’ve never met before?

Oh wow.  She pulled down his pants.  Hilarious and original.

The lousy acting is getting to me.  Don’t know if I’ll make it.

Aha.  He’s going to teach her to lie down in the road and dance in the street and otherwise break free from the tedious, miserable life of expanding her mind through education.

Just decided movie would be better if computer animated slo-mo geese suddenly grew fangs and started attacking the townspeople ála Hitchcock.

Beach scene.  I swear Ryan Gosling is wearing orange lipstick.

“Do you think in another life I could be a bird?  You know, reincarnation?”  Even better!   “Revenge of the Slo-Mo Reincarnated Zombie Geese”!

Aw, just look at all that wonderful racial harmony–I had no idea blacks and whites got along so well together in the 1940’s South!  Good to know.

Now I know why this movie didn’t win any Academy Awards: they don’t give an Oscar for “Most Fake-Looking Mustache.”  Alli’s dad would have had that one in the bag.

Hmmm…the “I’m-gonna-buy-this-old-place-and-fix-it-up-one-day” routine.  Never seen that before.  *Cough* itsawonderfullife *Cough*

Yup.  A dusty, rotting, moldy house always puts me in the mood.  ICK!  Get a room, people! Motel 8 at least has clean sheets!

Scream, slap, punch and kick him and then say, “We’re not really breaking up, are we?”  Of course not, darling.  All the best relationships are founded on 3-year-old-ish temper tanturms.

Okay, he writes her letters every day for year and then figures she’s given up on him.  Brilliant.  I’m sure she must be receiving every last one of them, tearing them up, trampling on them, and burning them for good measure.  There’s no possible way that oh, say, her disapproving PARENTS could be intercepting them.

Getting boring.  Bring on the zombie geese.  Zombie anything, actually.  Would also be fine with monsters, aliens, ninjas, or giant man-eating insects.

Oh wow, he’s going to buy their little dream roach motel and paint it white with blue shutters.  Totally didn’t see that one coming.

And now he’s an alcoholic with a beard who’s using a war widow to try to get over Allie.  Getting douchier by the day.

Kinda love the “drunken bride in the bathtub” scene.

The hat she’s wearing in the “lovers reunited” scene makes it look like she’s got something brown and fuzzy growing out of her ear.

YES!!!!  Canoeing with thousands of killer zombie geese!  “Do you want to feed ’em?”  Ha!  Does she want to feed them?  She will feed them with her BRAINS!!!  Mwahahahahaaa!!!

“Why didn’t you write me?” So it didn’t occur to her either that her scheming parents might be intercepting letters from him?  You deserve whatcha get, stupidos.

Emotionally disturbed widow now girl-bonding with Allie.  Terrific idea!  That won’t cause problems.  Why was this movie called The Notebook? I think a title like Bearded Douchie and His Harem is much catchier.

Um, and Disturbed Widow was actually okay with seeing Allie and Noah?  It gave her “something to look forward to”??  Yeah, that would totally happen in real life.  Women aren’t naturally jealous creatures.

And the star-crossed lovers part again.  Having slight trouble caring in the first place; having lots of trouble caring when they’re screaming in each other’s faces and not acting very well.

Okay, the dancing scene with the old people is really sweet and touching.  Cynical me is having a hard not tearing up right now.  Still think Noah shoulda stormed the wedding and carried her off while the governor covered his children’s eyes in shock.

AND THE GEESE WIN!!!  EVERYBODY ELSE DIES!!!   AND THEY ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!

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9 thoughts on “The Notebook: Making the Tedious Tolerable by Blogging My Snarky Comments

  1. Lol, this is GREAT!!! I totally didn’t like The Notebook either – glad to know there are more girls who didn’t. You hit the nail on the head on everything on this post! 🙂

  2. Pingback: The Notebook (2004) | All Films Blog

  3. Haha love your blog!! My friends and I watched The Notebook and they cried their eyes out while I just sat there laughing at my one friends’ face. She kept screaming NO!!! And she looked like a zombie goose afterwards, with black mascara all under her eyes.

  4. Pingback: Five Ways to Get More Readers for Your Blog and Why I’m Not Willing to Do Them | A Stack of Books and a Cup of Tea

  5. Ok, I did watch the movie and I did cry – maybe because I was young and hormonal. But later I read the book and it caused me mental pain. Stunningly bad writing. In retrospect I kind of see your points. Very entertaining 🙂

    • Yes, my poor student who loaned me the movie was terribly disappointed that I didn’t love it. I think I also happened to be in a particularly snarky mood that evening. 😀

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