The following is dedicated to my sisters and to my sisters-in-law, who have long been asking me for another fashion post.
Who wants to watch overpaid celebrities make boring, repetitive acceptance speeches? You can just look at the pictures the next day and enjoy the REALLY fun part of awards shows, which is, of course, the fashion. There were some lovely gowns at this year’s Emmys but there was also plenty of fodder for snarky opinions. Some were mild faux pas, some aimed high but missed the mark, and others were spectacular firework shows of awful. Let’s begin with a mild miss to get our toes in the water, shall we?
Jane Krakowski didn’t do too badly here. The color is lovely, the earrings are just enough drama, and the yellow handbag adds the perfect pop from the other side of the color wheel. The problem is the shape and the material. Everything is droopy, puckered, and wrinkly. Like a limp blue napkin. That’s been used. At Country Buffet. By a large man named Phil who sweats a lot and eats a pile of ribs for dinner and is returning to the soft serve machine for his third vanilla cone.
Julie Bowen, on the other hand, decided to steal ALL the napkins from the Country Buffet and hot glue them to the bottom of her dress. Seriously, from about the kneecaps upward she is chic, put together, and only wanting a little jewelry to make her look complete (seriously red carpet stylists, what IS it with this ongoing jewelry allergy??). The bottom 25% is a third grade craft project gone wrong.
You guys, Alfre Woodard got mixed up about the date for the Emmys. Long story short, she wound up at the last minute with nothing to wear. Thankfully a brilliant idea occurred to her: she still had loads of wrapping paper left over from that gift from her friend’s baby shower! A little Scotch tape and she was back in business.
Now we’re swimming in the deep end, folks. Lena has the cutest smile, and I must admit that the dress’s colors are lovely. But otherwise, it’s all spectacularly unflattering, from the 70s wallpaper pattern (which, if it were deployed using fewer than 56 yards of fabric, might not be too bad), to the circus-tent proportions, to the tragic 8-year-old-boy’s haircut.
Zosia Mamet is happy to be at the Emmys after a long, arduous day spent writing with leaky fountain pens and butchering cattle. She invites you to view the stains on her dress as a psychological inkblot evaluation. What do YOU see when you look at her skirt? Don’t get it wrong, now. Her boobs are squinting at you judgmentally.
Brooke Anderson is an expectant mother on the red carpet and should therefore be given some leeway. So we could overlook the Pepto-Bismol color and the awkward neckline of her dress (is it raising an eyebrow at us?). But we simply cannot forgive the hideous shoes, which we must presume were chosen for her by favorite poodle Ricky, who she momentarily forgot was, like all dogs, color blind.
Let’s pause now for a moment of silence now to remember all the sparkly red snakes who gave up their lives for Heidi’s Emmy dress. Especially that one snake, Bob, who especially requested that his body be donated to the creation of Heidi’s awkward neck thing. May he rest in peace.
The bodice of this dress I can only attribute to a terrible war in the Escada workroom in which one junior designer, jealous of a fellow’s designer’s talent, sneaked into the workroom with a Sharpie in the middle of the night and sabotaged his co-worker’s creation, only to have the boss come in the next day and praise the desecration, declaring, “Now I know what we will give Jessica Lange to wear to the Emmys!”
Really though, it looks like someone accidentally over-plucked the gorilla.
This dress looks miserably awkward to wear. I’m sure Julianne spent the whole evening in desperate fear of shrugging a little too hard. And notice the strategic placement of her clutch. Looks like we’re not the only ones uncomfortable with her granny panties showing through her skirt.
And the Worst Dressed of the Evening Award goes to [drum roll] Lily Rabe! Let this be a lesson to you all: if you do not know what to do with those dresses you wore to church for Easter Sunday back in the 90s, the solution is NOT to sew a couple of them together. Her expression of misty confusion suggests that she realized a little too late that she was wearing a pastel version of the famous fighting-fairy- dress debacle from Sleeping Beauty (pictured at left). But maybe that’s the simpler explanation for what happened here: Lily Rabe had a couple of godmothers who were BOTH determined to design her dress for the Emmys and this was the result. In which case, Lily, all is forgiven.