Oh Skymall, you special snowflake. What would the airline experience be without you? There you sit, tucked between the flight safety information card and the vomit sack, your glossy pages illuminating something we hold sacred: the freedom to consume vast quantities of useless products. On long flights, when we find ourselves folded up in a cramped fart capsule, drinking over-iced beverages, listening to engines and children whining, you present yourself as an oasis in the desert. You show us a place where people are wealthy, fragrant, and not remotely embarrassed by toting around a crap-ton of ludicrous nonsense.
This blog post, inspired by the most ridiculous Skymall merchandise I discovered on a recent flight, is my personal Ode to an American classic.
1. The Outdoor Fire Tub. What could be better than a giant circular orange plastic tub plopped down in the middle of your yard, you ask? The answer is obvious: a giant circular orange plastic tub with a big metal coil with a fire in it. Naturally. And at only $3,999.99, it’s a steal.
2. You’re sure to be the hit of the neighborhood riding around on your Orbitwheels. Don’t worry about the learning curve–each set comes with a “training bar.” And don’t worry about speed; it’s more than fast enough to help you escape from those mean kids always wanting to beat you up.
3. Grill cleaning robot. Tired of moving that brush back and forth across that grill? Have a lazy gene that not even a Roomba can satisfy? This is the product for you. It’s easy to use and according to the product description “fun to watch.” The neighborhood cookout just leveled up. Bob and Dawn will be even more impressed than the day they watched you take the training bar off your Orbitwheels.
4. Nothing says “classy” and “global citizen” like a giant red phone booth in your living room! The description promises that every time the phone rings in your $2,250 booth, your guests will think they’ve “hopped the pond,” because apparently, they are all drunk. Phone not included.
5. Bug Vacuum. Or what some of us like to call a regular vacuum that is just for bugs. You wouldn’t want crickets mingling with your dust bunnies in your Hoover bag, now would you?
6. “Finally a pet gate that keeps your pet safely confined and your sense of style intact.” Not that it can fully undo the image issues caused by the Orbitwheels training bar, but every little bit helps.
7. Micro Kickboard Luggage. “Don’t rule the world: roll the world.” When Zone 1 is called, you are sure to turn heads in business class as you go gliding toward your gate. Who knows? This nifty little scooter might even land you a hot date, whom you can then whisk away for a plate of taquitos at Chili’s Too.
9. And finally “Simply Scent-sational Tees smell as good as they look.” Arrive at a party smelling like pizza, sunscreen, or a pina colada, and watch the hot guys flock to your side. You can be scented up to 6 feet away! Use while riding Orbitwheels for maximum effectiveness.