Alright, ladies. This is the night for which you and your overpaid stylists have studied for months. The Golden Globes was your practice run; now it’s time to see if your clothing and accessory choices will make the the grade or not. Mrs. Wilson has put on her glasses, sharpened her pencils, hauled out her gradebook, and she’s ready to be judgmental. Gold star stickers go to the night’s winners (and who wants an Oscar when GOLD STICKERS are being handed out??), and for those who made less fortunate choices–well, let’s just say that your fashion GPA is going to take a hit.
Let the final exam commence. Beginning with…
1. Kerry Washington (left). Kerry, you don’t get a grade. You are automatically disqualified…for PLAGIARISM! You see, Nicole Kidman (right) wore a better version of the same dress to the Oscars in 2011. Amber waves of grain embroidered over a fruited peplum?
She already did it, darling.
Four years ago.
2. Emma Stone (left): B- Kudos for wearing a color when some other best actress nominees feel the urge to dress like politicians’ wives at a campaign fundraiser buffet dinner. The shape is lovely, the hint of sparkle is pleasing, the hair is nicely done. BUT THE COLOR MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY ASPARAGUS. And you look entirely too pleased with yourself for a spring vegetable.
3. Naomi Watts (right): C- If I manage to bribe him with margaritas and vegan meatball sliders, my husband Tim will watch the Academy Awards with me. He doesn’t really notice clothing. However, when Naomi appeared onstage to present an award, Tim remarked, “It looks like she’s wearing shiny overalls over a sparkly black sports bra.” Now that you’ve seen it, dear reader, just try to UN-see it. Just. try.
4. Scarlett Johansson (left, and kind of right, too). You get a D- in fashion, but surprisingly, this outfit has earned you an A+ in biology! Why? Because with your unusual, flappy green neck-growth and your creepy, green-skinned body suit, you now bear an uncanny resemblance to the highly endangered Fijian Crested Iguana. Scarlett, the Endangered Species Protection Program would like to thank you for using your formal attire to bring attention to one of our planet’s most overlooked little treasures. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Or as Izzy here would say, “Clickaclickaclickaclickascreeeeeee!!!!!”
5. Laura Dern (left): B. Laura darling, you don’t really need me to give you this grade, do you? Your expression says it all: “Um…I thought I was showing up at a Viking costume party, and somehow I ended up here, so I left my horned helmet and round shield in the car…but yeah, don’t get any closer, camera people, or the dress will start launching grommets at your face.” But still, as scary as it looks, there’s something rather warrior-woman-chic about it, isn’t there? I would not hesitate to wear this dress on the New York City subway at 3 a.m.
6. Lorelai something-or-other (right): F. I don’t need to explain. You know what you did. Be sure to arrive early to serve your detention Thursday morning. Bring gardening gloves, a weed whacker, and kerosene so we can burn that dress. Oh, and keep practicing that guilty-as-charged mugshot face; you’re going to need it at the principal’s office.
7. Julianne Moore: B+ from a distance, C- up close. Sometimes, a dress that looks pretty good from a distance (or in this case, safe and boring) looks like a third-grade glue-gun craft-project-gone-wrong up close. Such is the case with (best actress) Julianne Moore’s gown. From a distance, it’s a pretty, if a somewhat boring “lady-who-lunches-left-the-kids-with-the-nanny-and-stepped-out-with-the-senile-billionaire-husband” ensemble. Up close, it looks like intoxicated monkeys stuck rice onto the dress with Mod-Podge.
8. Nicole Kidman: D- Nicole dear, it’s bad enough when your dress looks like the color of pee (and because it changes shades near the bottom, it looks like someone didn’t pee on it consistently enough). But to add a bright red belt that clashes with your orange hair, there are simply no excuses. Now, write on the blackboard 50 times, “I will not dress in colors that remind people of urine.”
9. Lupita Nyong’o: A++. You know that teachers don’t EVER play favorites, but dearest Lupita, you really are at the top of the class tonight. Wearing 6,000 pearls suits you perfectly; you look like the Lost Queen of Atlantis. We all feel like we should be sacrificing lobsters to you. Take a turn, Lupita, and show the rest of the girls how it’s done.